Can't think of a titlethe muses have left me
by Deesse-De-Lune
Summary: Holly Short is trying to break from the mold, but I'm afraid she just breaks...
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Artemis Fowl, Holly Short, Butler, or Juliet. they are owned by...uh...Eoin??? Colfer. uh. yeah.   
  
Holly Short was in a fury. she stormed out of the meeting room, walking to the nearest supply chamber, where she grabbed   
the nearest pair of wings she could find and put them on, then getting a gun, though she didn't know which model. she flew  
upward, turning on her shield. she flew to the Fowl mansion, landing on the lawn, and pulled off her gear, save for the gun.  
she marched up to the front door and wrenched it open. she went straight to Artemis Fowl's room, where he was sitting at   
a computer. "Artemis!" she yelled. he was obviouly taken aback. "Miss Short?" he said dryly, "was there something you  
needed to discuss with me?" Holly didn't answer. instead, she walked over and abruptly kissed him on the lips.   
*sound of record screeching to a stop*  
  
  
HOLLY: ok, Luna, you have written some bad stuff before, but this is the pits. I mean, really. do you KNOW how incredibly old the Holly/Artemis stuff is?  
  
  
LUNA: geez, Holly, what do you expect?? there are only two possibilities for Artemis to have a lovelife, and for some reason, the majority would rather see him with you instead of Juliet. you should be flattered!  
  
  
HOLLY: well I'm not! and Juliet backs me on this, right?  
  
  
JULIET: Totally.  
  
  
LUNA: or I could make up a character for Artemis. she will be tough, and she will have only one single weakness, but it will be a very cool weakness, like a fear of pain, or something. she will be beautiful and smart and love laptops.  
  
  
JULIET: youch.  
  
  
HOLLY: ok, that would probably be worse then H/A. but anyway, why does Artemis need a lovelife? he's only twelve, you sick FF writers!  
  
  
LUNA: chill, Holly. Artemis needs a lovelife because it draws readers. they don't want to read about him sitting in front of his computer. that's what THEY are doing all day. they DON'T want the company of Artemis Fowl for sitting in front of their computer. they want to see him turning into a dashing womanizer, but, I must admit, he's probably more likely to become the Mafia of Ireland.   
  
  
HOLLY: Precisly. so just leave the whole lovelife scene alone!   
  
  
LUNA: can I pair you with Butler?  
  
  
HOLLY: NO!!!  
  
  
LUNA: can I bring Artemis into this conversation? he tends to liven things up.  
  
  
HOLLY: thats another thing. how come Artemis gets to TALK so much more then me? he dosn't have that much interesting stuff to say!!  
  
  
LUNA: Artemis, enter stage right!  
  
  
HOLLY: Artemis, you better be on my side with this!  
  
  
ARTEMIS: did I miss something?   
  
  
HOLLY: Artemis, aren't you getting just a little tired of all your romances with bizarre people? of abruptly aging to 17? of being thrown into unexplainable situations in the middle of breakfast?  
  
  
ARTEMIS: yes, no,not at all, YES. why?  
  
  
HOLLY: because I'm planning to lynch this writer as a sign to other writers to back of the Artemis Fowl/Holly Short fics.  
  
  
ARTEMIS: give me a break. you know, you caught me in the middle of breakfast, so if you don't mind, I'll be getting back to my kippered salmon.  
  
  
JULIET: is that even a word?  
  
  
  
To Be Continued.....(ba-ba-BAM!)...maybe. if I feel like it. if I get reviewed.  
  
a/n:sorry I made Juliet off to be a ditz. hopefully she will be better in pt. 2. 


	2. Kippered:the great debate

JULIET: Hi. I don't know if you know me, but believe me, you should. today's feature is:"Kippered". is it a word? Holly-  
  
HOLLY: (in a low, grumpy voice) hi.  
  
JULIET: -questioning, and Artemis-  
  
ARTEMIS: Hello.  
  
JULIET: -defending.   
  
LUNA: excuse me, what is going on? you are my charecters for this 2 minutes and you are wasting it in a debate? why don't you just look up "Kippered" on the handy-dandy spell check that has recently been added?  
  
JULIET: because that would be to easy. now be quiet.  
  
BUTLER: ah, sister dear, could I have a word with you?  
  
JULIET: not now, Butler.  
  
LUNA: geez, even his own sis calls him by his last name. thats just sad.  
  
BUTLER: NOW, Juliet.  
  
JULIET: ok, ok...Luna, take care of this debate.  
  
LUNA: hehe. uh, I mean, ok, sure, no problem.  
  
*Butler and Juliet exit*   
  
LUNA: ok, guys. back to work.  
  
ARTEMIS: what do you-  
  
HOLLY: nooooo!!!!  
  
Holly didn't know what caused her to kiss him...  
HOLLY: maybe the fact that you're the worst FF writer ever!   
  
LUNA: be QUIET.  
  
...but Artemis didn't return the feelings. "Hey!" he yelled.   
ARTEMIS: that's it? 'hey' ? you know, Holly, I'm starting to agree with you on this kill-the-writer thing...mmph!  
  
*Luna throws large squirming bundle into closet and continues*  
  
...Holly backed away. "Oh, Artemis," she sighed.   
HOLLY: I can't. I can't do this. if you type one more word I swear...  
  
LUNA: one. more. word.  
  
HOLLY: D'ARVIT!!!!  
  
*scuffles. think lots of scuffling noises with the occasional expletive.*  
  
ARTEMIS: BUTLER!!! ah, sorry, readers, we have some concussions on our hands. we will have to cancel this debate untill further noises. and 'Kippered" IS a word. 


	3. Blair Juniper Blair

a/n-this isn't as funny as some others-be warned, it's downright bizarre. I just wrote it to avoid doing math...you should probably seek entertainment elsewhere...  
  
ARTEMIS: tr.v. kip·pered, kip·per·ing, kip·pers   
To prepare (fish) by splitting, salting, and smoking.   
I rest my case.  
  
LUNA: good, becouse that topic is getting boring. and thats gross. anyway, to introduce todays topic, I have been forced to start a new storyline because Holly kept LOUDLY protesting to my previous masterpiece.  
  
HOLLY: it STUNK, to keep this G-rated.  
  
ARTEMIS: if i remeber correctly, Luna, she had you in a headlock and refused to let you go untill you signed that contract saying to write something else.  
  
LUNA: be quiet, Artemis. *everyone looks at her* hey, can I help it if she's a LEP officer and I'm just a computer addict??  
  
HOLLY: yes.  
  
LUNA: WHY?? why did I decide to write AF fics?? why couldn't I have chosen Harry Potter??  
  
HOLLY: good question, excellent question, brilliant question.  
  
LUNA: I. am. going. to. write. this. fic. now, so BE QUIET!  
  
JULIET: touche.  
  
LUNA: Artemis awoke with a start. he was in front of his computer. again. he glanced at the clock on the desk. three AM. he groaned and straigtened up. his answering machine was blinking and he hit the 'play message' button.  
  
"Fowl. Artemis Fowl."   
  
the voice echoed from the machine, strangely eerie.  
  
"We had a deal, you and I. you don't want to break it off, now do you?" the voice purred. it was a low voice, but definatly female. she sounded to be about his age.  
  
"Call me by 6 AM. Juniper Blair, you know my number."  
  
click, and dial tone. Artemis, deciding to ignore the message for now, turned back to his computer.  
  
  
ARTMSFWL2 ,   
JBcat2100 has sent you a message. do you wich to accept?  
YES NO  
  
Artemis, not sure who this was, clicked YES.  
  
JBcat2100: Hello, Artemis.  
ARTMSFWL2: Who are you, and what do you want?  
  
while who ever it was replied, Artemis was running a search on the persons screenname.   
  
JBcat2100: You should learn the answers to both questions when you finish searching for information on me.  
  
  
ARTEMIS: only his fine training kept him from cursing. this was another one of those knows-everything-about-the-plot people.  
  
LUNA: be quiet, I'm trying to finish.  
  
JULIET: I'm bored, and so is Holly. we're outta here.  
  
ARTEMIS: wait up!  
  
LUNA: nooo!!! come back!! this story had potential!!  
  
BUTLER: curse you.  
  
*Luna dejectedly leaves the computer and starts bawling.*  
  
LUNA: I'll get you for this! as god as my witness, I shall seek REVENGE!!!!  
  
a/n-I warned you, but you didn't listen, now did you??  
  
********  
that was a good closing line, so pretend it ends there. I just wanted to say that since you battled your way through this, you may as well flame, right? 


	4. Isn't IM a great invention

LUNA: haha! Yes, we're back! *everyone screams at runs away* .hey! Get back here!  
  
HOLLY: why don't you just pretend there's still people here and keep blabbering away?  
  
LUNA: (looking much happier) good idea!  
  
HOLLY: groan.  
  
LUNA: well, you will all be pleased to know that not only have a got a word processor with a real live spell-check, I've also written another chapter in the thrilling Juniper Blair saga!  
  
*everyone groans*  
  
LUNA: wha-at??  
  
ARTEMIS: let's just get this over with already.  
  
JULIET: I'm not in this, right? Because the WWE wrestling is on Channel 40 RIGHT NOW, and NOTHING you can say is going to stop me from watching it .even though the Rock, and his hot people's eyebrow left.  
  
LUNA: fine, be gone.  
  
BUTLER: since I haven't done anything for something like the whole un- story, I'll just sidle away.  
  
HOLLY: heck, I'll come too.  
  
ARTEMIS: WHAT?! You're not all leaving me here!  
  
JULIET: tata!  
  
LUNA: muhahahaha!! *looks around* oops.  
  
ARTEMIS: *cowering* let's get this over with, okay?  
  
LUNA: suuure, whatever you say!  
  
The search on JBcat2100 came up.  
  
NAME: Juniper Felecia Bianca Rosamund Blair  
  
AGE: 12  
  
LAST KNOWN LOCATION: Boston, Mass. America  
  
FAMILY: Mother, Aurora Alicia Lopez, MIA  
  
Father, Jonathan Ricardo Bryan Blair, admitted to St. Murray's mental hospital June 1996  
  
Wow, Artemis thought. Sure can get a lot of the internet these days.  
  
ARTEMIS: don't you just love OOC?  
  
LUNA: can it.  
  
JBcat2100: so, Artemis, where shall we meet?  
  
ARTMSFWL2: Dublin.  
  
JBcat2100: wonderful-I get to pay for the concord flight. Be there by 6 AM tomorrow or face the consequences.  
  
Artemis blanched. He didn't want to mess with this girl  
  
ARTEMIS: why am I always such a wimp?  
  
LUNA: Artemis started to type an answer, but then a box popped up saying:  
  
JBcat2100 has signed off. "I only kiss boys in dreams because the ones in real life are creeps" -Juniper Blair  
  
Artemis sighed. He could tell this was the beginning of a long-lasting relationship.  
  
ARTEMIS: lemme guess. I'll kiss the girl, and she'll wonder how she could ever think boys were creeps.  
  
LUNA: shhh! You'll give away the plot!  
  
ARTEMIS: time for my coffee break. Go get some Ice Cream or something.  
  
LUNA: ice cream? CAPITALIZED ice cream? 


	5. Lollipops and Lemon Tea

LUNA: we're BACK! sans spell-check, sans decent charactors, sans sanity, and san fransico.  
  
JULIET: what the *censored* was that?  
  
HOLLY: ignore her, Juliet.  
  
LUNA: I've finally managed to find all the Artemis Fowl charactors. they were scattered aroud differant parts of the globe, hence the four month hiatus.  
  
ARTEMIS: I only came back becouse my REAL author gave me a third book. it was in the contract.  
  
LUNA: shaddup.  
  
ALL: DO YOU SEE WHAT WE ARE FORCED TO PUT UP WITH??  
  
LUNA: haha! you all are such kidders!!  
  
HOLLY: what are you, some demented 50's father? *starts poking Luna with a chopstick* don't ask where this chopstick came from.  
  
LUNA: I'm wounded. deeply. you may have caused internal bleeding.  
  
HOLLY: not to mention external?  
  
LUNA: *pause, stutters* well, it whats on the inside that counts!!  
  
BUTLER: will you all be QUIET! lets get this over with already...  
  
ARTEMIS: easy for you to say. you don't have to be spineless.  
  
LUNA: well, you never know....  
  
BUTLER: *sweatdrop* I have military training. I am unafraid.  
  
LUNA: ok, lets go!! and you'll ALL have parts in this. except maybe Holly, Butler, and Juliet.  
  
JULIET: I think your IQ level just dropped a couple there.  
  
LUNA: Artemis immedietly radioed Butler, who was in the quarry practiscing shots.  
  
BUTLER: in the QUARRY? thats just idiotic...  
  
LUNA: be quiet.  
  
"Butler," Artemis said, "I need to go to Dublin right now. will you please take me?"  
  
ARTEMIS: I sound like a four year old. your average four year old, mind you. by age four, I had already broken into the CIA's system.  
  
LUNA: you know, the more you talk, the longer this'll take.  
  
ARTEMIS: fine. Butler, get me some coffee. I think I am going to need it.  
  
LUNA: Butler radioed back an affirmitive on the taking-Artemis-to-Dublin mission. it was midnight already, so the decided to get going, and after a brief preparation, they were on their way. Artemis hooked up to the internet for the four hour drive into Dublin. JBcat2100 was online. even looking at the screenname, Artemis got chills up his spine.  
  
ARTMSFWL2: so, where shall we meet? JBcat2100: my plane will be landing in 45 minutes. be at the Solune Cafe, in the table under the picasso painting. order Lemon tea. ARTMSFWL2: I don't like tea.  
  
she signed off. Artemis sighed at his pathetic comeback-it was almost worse then the "I don't like lollipops" he had been trying to forget.  
  
ARTEMIS: I told you not to bring that up. Butler...!  
  
BUTLER: I'm sorry, sir, but no where in the contract does it say "Any mention of lollipops makes contract null and void". she has legal rights.  
  
ARTEMIS: keep looking. there's a loophole in there somewhere.  
  
LUNA: They were at the Solune Cafe at 5:56 AM. Butler was stifling yawns. Artemis sat under the painting, and ordered a Caffe au Lait, waiting to see what would happen.  
  
ARTEMIS: I don't like Caffe au Lait. I'm surprised yo could even spell it.  
  
LUNA: In the next chapter, we will FINALLY meet the INFAMOUS, the TALENTED, the SMART, and the BEAUTIFUL Juniper Blair!! and if you're REALLY lucky, it will be before next year!  
  
HOLLY: ohjoy. 


	6. First Impressions, part 1

ARTEMIS: regarding Luna's saying I don't like tea, its completly untrue. if she would read the books, she would know that I always have Earl Grey tea.  
  
LUNA: like Jean-Luc Picard?  
  
ARTEMIS: *cough* yes, like that, excepting the baldness.  
  
JULIET: I rule.  
  
*pause*  
  
ARTEMIS: where did that come from?  
  
JULIET: oh, I don't know, I just thaught you would all like to know.  
  
LUNA: will you two be quiet? we all know that the only reason they are-HEY! I LOVE this song!!!  
  
*A radio is playing "Manic Monday" in the background. Luna starts dancing a la John Travota in Saturday Night Fever.*  
  
HOLLY: ouch.  
  
ARTEMIS: Butler, if she dosn't cut that out, I may have to have you..do something about it.  
  
BUTLER: *stifling laughs* Yes, Sir  
  
*song ends*  
  
LUNA: it would have taken you PLUS Juliet PLUS...Arno Blunt to kill me.  
  
BUTLER: be careful. be very careful.  
  
LUNA: hmmph. OK, let's get started. Artemis sipped his beverage, his steely eyes were unmoving from the door. a lock of hair, black yet dark, fell into his steely eyes. suddenly a shadow fell over the table. Artemis looked up and gasped. a tall girl stood over him. she had very long raven-coloured hair that fell alomost to her knees. her eyes were a piercing green, and she was very thin and strong. she wore black combat gear, accentuating a killer figure.  
  
JULIET: oh please.  
  
ARTEMIS: I'm trying to stifle comments here.  
  
LUNA: shaddup!! She was the most beautiful thing Artemis had ever seen. she sat down across from him with perfect posture. "Now, Mr. Fowl." "Call me Arty-I mean Artemis." Artemis choked out. Juniper Blair rolled her eyes under perfectly plucked eyebrows. "Very well, Artemis. you may address me as Miss Blair." Artemis nodded submissively.  
  
ARTEMIS: even though I have a vocabualary of over 5,000 words, "submissive" is NEVER one used to describe myself.  
  
LUNA: Juniper Blair looked him in the eye. "Artemis Fowl-have you ever heard of a race of people called-well, called "The People"?" Artemis choked again. he hadn't even taken a sip of tea this time. "The People, Miss Blair? strange name. are they a clan?" an annoyed look crossed Juniper's face. "Mr. Fowl. you know what I am talking about. answer the question truthfully-or does Hans need to encourage you?" Artemis glanced toward the door, where he noticed a man almost as big as Butler. he had a blond ponytail and was wearing a polyester shirt. Butler was looking at him with a mix of disdain and worry. Artemis tried not to let his teeth chatter. "All right, Miss Blair. yes, I know of the people. what differance should it make to you?" Juniper Blair leaned back in the vinyl seat covering and almost smiled. Artemis tried to ignore her lips.  
  
HOLLY: you really are perverted. he's TWELVE. she's TWELVE. twelve year olds aren't like that...!  
  
LUNA: how would YOU know? you're a 200+ fairy!  
  
ARTEMIS: how old IS Holly, really?  
  
********************************** Author's note: Artemis Fowl:The Enternity Code is awesome, I hope you have it finished within the week!  
  
I don't know how long this story can go on. I mean, how long do people want to listen to my charactors bicker? I love writing this, I love the reviews, if you guys are still interested, I would love to continue. so, leave feedback.  
  
I'm thinking of doing this style thing with Harry Potter-it would be pure joy to...oh never mind, I'll just leave you all on edge! *********************************** 


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